Submission Holds - Gender Roles in Marriage

Submission Holds

Darin Stevens

                On June 10, 1998, during meetings in Salt Lake City, the Southern Baptist Convention declared that women should submit to their husbands. The declaration stated, "A wife is to submit graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ (Stammer, 1998).”  The statement drew praise from conservative factions of the membership, but many criticized it as inapplicable in modern society. I tend to side with the latter, but I think the concept is sometimes misinterpreted when the reader fails to read the whole statement. The last part of the passage, which appears in 1 Peter, chapter 3, verse 7, “You husbands likewise, live with [your wives] in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” I have a little trouble going along with the term “weaker vessel”, but otherwise it makes a very good point. The passage states that husbands are instructed, by God, to respect their wives as a fellow heir. Failure to do so will prove a spiritual hindrance and affect the husband’s relationship with God.

My sister and I grew up in a Southern Baptist household and our parents subscribed to this theory, many years before it became an official edict of the church. Our father was, very clearly, the leader of our family and my mother deferred to him in all matters, but there is another side to the story. Our father adores our mother and her well-being and giving her honor has been an integral part of their relationship since March 12, 1965. He has always treated our mother with the utmost respect. There was more in play here than adhering to a biblical principal. By honoring and respecting our mother, he provided an example to my sister and I. I learned how to be a husband and father; she developed a standard by which chose her husband.

In some ways, my relationship with my wife is very similar to my mother’s relationship with my father. Kimberly has always looked to me as the leader of our family, but we seek mutual counsel in every important decision. However, if she were completely submissive, I would lose out on the benefit of her strength, cunning and wisdom. I value all of these qualities and she has them in abundance.

Just as my father did for my sister and me, we have very good indication that the example we provided has resonated in our children. The relationships they have with the young men they chose to marry have very direct parallels to the relationship their mother and I have cherished for a very long time.

In today’s society, we are told it is proper to be accepting and tolerant of people and their lifestyle choices. In most circles, we have concluded that adults are capable of reaching their own conclusions and rightly so. If like-minded people choose to base their relationship on the concept set forth by the Southern Baptist Convention, based on their interpretation of scripture they hold sacred; God bless. Providing the parties involved are doing so of their own will; society needs to accept that relationship as they would any other. To do otherwise is simply hypocritical.

Works Cited

(n.d.). Bible.

Stammer, L. B. (1998, June 10). A Wife's Role Is 'to Submit,' Baptists Declare. Retrieved from L A Times: http://articles.latimes.com/1998/jun/10/news/mn-58510

If I Were a Girl...

If I Were a Girl

By Darin Stevens

                When I read the instructions of this assignment, my mind flooded with everything from deep, meaningful insights about the nurturing nature of a mother to punch lines more suited for a bachelor party than a writing assignment. On one hand, the better part of 46 years of maleness has made it hard for me to fathom any other existence. Conversely, being the very-involved father of two girls provided me some very good background in hair, makeup, dresses and, perhaps most importantly; shoes.

                The most efficient way to discuss my life, if I were a girl, is to divide it into chapters. The first chapter, birth through puberty, I would have probably been a tomboy. I am the oldest child in my family and I have always been very close with my father. If that were to hold true in this alternate existence, as I suspect it would, I may have hunted, fished and tromped about the woods with my dad. As active as my imagination can be, I cannot imagine that facet of my life being different. My father was, is and shall forever be my hero.

                My adolescence would have been interesting. In some ways, it would have probably been easier had I been a girl. My discovery of and appreciation for the arts would have probably been the same and my lack of athletic prowess would not have been such a source of frustration for me.  My frustration was exacerbated by the fact that I was one of the bigger kids and physically strong as a yearling bull. I just had no discernible athleticism. At the time, I would have gladly traded being the best singer in the junior high for a decent fastball or jump shot. The guys on the field and in the gym didn’t really see the value in being able to sight read music, nor did I.

Hopefully, my curiosity about and obsession with sex wouldn’t have been nearly as intense. A scarcely-proficient, yet mind-blowing, experience with a promiscuous 16 year-old girl, two months shy of my 14^th birthday, put me on a quest to build on that experience whenever possible. It wasn’t quite sex, but it if I were Catholic it would have warranted a trip to confession. If word of that sort of activity would have gotten around school, society’s double-standard would have gained me a negative label.

                Many of my antics as a young adult, including several years spent in the Navy, would have also gained me a less-than-sterling reputation. However, the contrast began to fade when I got married and became a parent.

                I am well-aware that the roles my wife and I play in our family fall along fairly-traditional lines. As it is discussed in the text, I have always been confident, self-reliant and the primary wage-earner in our family (Riedmann, 2012). My wife, however, is also very strong and has proven to be a valuable partner in providing income for our family. Additionally, she is very adept at performing household repairs and wields a mighty paint brush. She doesn’t hunt, but she is very skilled with a rod and reel and can effortlessly pilot a canoe or kayak down any stream of her choosing. I have come to the conclusion that if she were better at killing bugs and didn’t have an aversion to cleaning our gutters; I’d be out of a job.

                Conversely, I was a very good fixer of hair and spent untold numbers of hours shopping for shoes and dresses. I also fixed a lot of meals and even sewed my share of buttons. Having a career in which my days off often fall on weekdays, there were numerous occasions on which I was the only dad to be a parent volunteer on field trips and other school activities. These efforts were oftentimes applauded by my fellow volunteers, mostly mothers and grandmothers, who complimented my decision to play such an active role in the lives of my children. I responded graciously to their praise, but it was really a matter of logistics. Our children and their peers needed volunteers, my wife was working and my job afforded me the opportunity to be there on school days. We really did not put that much thought into it.

                If she was a man and I was a woman, the only substantive difference would be that I wouldn’t have taken out the garbage thousands of time and done roughly 99% of the driving, over the last 24 years. That arrangement would have been impossible for my grandfather and would have been very difficult for my father. For me, however, the result has been an exceptionally-fulfilling relationship.

Works Cited

Riedmann, M. A. (2012). Marriages, Families and Relationships - Making Choices in a Diverse Society - Eleventh Edition. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

Love & Marriage

This is a project I did as an undergrad at Central Methodist University.

Love and Marriage

By Darin Stevens

                The instructions of this writing assignment said to ask three couples for their views on keys to a happy marriage. That is simple enough, but I chose to take a postmodern liberty with the assignment. I posed the question on Facebook. This is my post, as it appeared:

I'm writing a paper for a summer class I'm taking and I'd like your input. The question is simple. What, in your opinion, are the keys to a happy marriage? If you're married, I'd appreciate you including, in your response, how long you've been married. Feel free to respond, regardless of your marital status. In fact, the input of people who are single, regardless of the reason, would be most appreciated. I won't use real names in the paper, so don't be looking for any royalties if it turns into a Pulitzer Prize winning book.

                In about two hours, I had nearly 50 responses. Some of the responses were funny, some were serious, and some had multiple elements. Three participants responded via private message. One of these responses was from a colleague who has recently separated from her husband of six years, a separation that was not of her choosing. The second private message was from a good friend who was widowed after 19 years of marriage. I knew her husband well. He was a great man and they were an amazing team. I was touched by her words. The third private message was from a colleague who has been married for 23 years. The majority of respondents were women. Only five men chose to respond.

                Two respondents have been married for more than 50 years. A total of eight have been married 20 years or more. Fifteen have been married for 15 years or more. The rest were married less than ten years, weren’t married or didn’t state a marital status.

                The most common themes from the respondents are respect, communication and appreciation. From those who have been married the longest, there is an emphasis on compromise and cooperation in addition to the other themes. There were some references to God and spirituality, and some very funny references to multiple televisions and separate checking accounts. One confirmed bachelor friend simply stated the best way to avoid an unhappy marriage is to avoid getting married all together. Another friend, who I happen to know has been married to the same wonderful woman for over 30 years, quipped that he had never been able to afford a suitable divorce lawyer. A third friend, fresh off his third divorce implied that his track record speaks for itself. What can I say? I asked the question.

                While there were several different ways to state it, the overwhelming theme among those who offered a serious opinion said that is important to value one’s marital relationship. Sometimes this appreciation is manifested in taking time away from the kids, in order to nurture the couple’s relationship. I know, from personal experience, that closeness can get a couple through hard times, as well as laying a firm foundation for the empty nest to come. It is always important to value one’s relationship through mutual respect. It makes no difference if the relationship entails one spouse in a clear position of leadership or if both spouses are equal in all things, the respect requirement in very important. Respect simply makes everything else more easily achievable.

                I’ll close with a direct quote from my senior respondent, married 53 years. “I've been married 53 years and I think that you have to give as well as take...you need to make your mind to stick it out through thick and thin and talk to each other. Don't go to bed angry Laugh at your mistakes and their mistakes because we all have them.” It is hard to argue with 53 years’ experience.

Below, I’ve included further samples of responses to my question. As I told my respondents from the outset, I have removed their names. Some are touching, some are funny and some are ironic. The reader will be well-served to read the last comment. The author is a retired elementary school teacher who lost her husband of 19 years to cancer.

“God focused, Honesty, full disclosure, weekly budget meetings, respect for each other, and love. 4 years”

“Married 17 years, the key is compromise, don't sweat the small stuff, and having two tv's !”

“I was married for 16 years before I got divorced one thing that led to our divorce was being taken for granted and loss of respect for what was being done. You have to show respect and spend time with the person you love and let them know you appreciate them.”

“Getting away to have fun with and without the kids. 19 years”

“iv been married 1year togother 3years n I think u just. got to be open about everything n talk if something is wrong don’t fight life is to short n most of all u have to love who u r with let ur love show”

“I think a common interest in things .”

“I'm not married. But I think that making sure to keep doing "little things" to show appreciation of one another is big. Another is communication, as cliched as that sounds. But it's a huge umbrella for happy relationships. If you can't talk to your partner about problems, troubles, things you want to try (be it sexually or otherwise), hopes, dreams, etc. then I don't think you'll be very happy. Especially considering that human beings are generally not static. We change all of the time! Our relationships should be allowed to evolve as well! Finally, I think being realistic about love and relationships is also very important. If you expect perfection in someone else, then you'll be sorely disappointed. Prince Charming does not exist 24/7.”

“married 27 years you have to be friends first then you can become lovers you have to listen to each other never to go to bed mad at each other.”

“Ive only been married for 14 months but communication is a must. Both people have to be open in communicating and have nothing to hide. Being able to joke around with each other and laugh. Being serious all the time just becomes stressful. And like others said compromise and taking time for the both of you to do something together even if its just grabbing a bite to eat alone for an hour.”

“Married to my best friend for 34 years. Seek God's will in making decisions. Don't go to bed angry. Learn to compromise, and if you can't agree on something, you have to trust God and let your husband make the final decision. Get away together and go on date nights.”

“I've been married 53 years and I think that you have to give as well as take...you need to make your mind to stick it out through thick and thin and talk to each other. Don't go to bed angry Laugh at your mistakes and their mistakes because we all have them.”

“Don't get married is the best way to have an Unhappy marriage...”

“Married almost 6 years. Must haves (IMO): Excellent communication, selflessness (on both sides), compromise, chemistry, respect, honesty, loyalty, and for us a big one was tearing down societal barriers, i.e. the woman cooks, cleans, and raises the children while the man works and provides. Those types of attitudes tend to create resentment and false expectations in my experience.”

“Married 15 years to my best friend, and that is the key, be best friends. Care about every little detail in your spouse's life, if it matters to them it should matter to you. Don't have to always be right and be willing to be the first to say I'm sorry in an argument. Stay in church and keep your relationship with God 1st priority because God wants your marriage to succeed as well!”

“You've know my experience with marriage so I'll leave it at that—ha”

“if not for trust and love then you have nothing and he has been married to Yvonne for 27 years and he said he needs a metal but would not change a thing love her”

“Darin, Just one thing to say, a marriage don't "just work", you have "to work" at it. We will have 51 year anniversary Aug 25. Good luck with paper.”

“It all comes down to the kids!”

“Honesty & respect”

“I've been married 6 years this August and he asked for a divorce on Sunday. He already wants me gone. I'm moved out and everything. This was Out of the blue. You could probably write an entire paper on my marriage lol”

“I think the answer is poverty. Can't afford a divorce lawyer.”

“Your funny Darin! Some of the stuff I think is important like most of what's been said, but honesty is an absolute must. Also not forgetting to show each other how much they are appreciated and taking the time to make each other feel special. Also don't bottle anything up, if something's wrong then talk about it, don't wait until you are ready to explode, always communicate in a peaceful way that solves problems and doesn't create more. Good luck on your paper. Oh, and we've been married four years next month.”

“If you're a guy it's easy...just Marty a sweet, patient, cool-headed lady like Dan did! Lol Seriously, love, respect, honesty, a lot of the same interests but breathing room also. Most of all putting God first. It's worked for us for over 37 years! Just marry not Marty! Lol”

“This is my second marriage and we are celebrating year number 2! For me, I find that complete honesty, even when brutal, is a must. That 100% disclosure on the good, the bad and the ugly is key! Communication plays into that aspect ten fold! More importantly, it's finding that someone that brings out the best in you and having fun! Kelly and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things, but being able to be who we are individually makes us a united front as husband and wife! We enjoy each others company and genuinely miss each other when we are at work or doing things separately. We are able to do things with our friends separately and there's 100% trust on both sides. I also think romance and intimacy plays into a happy, healthy marriage. I know we're still in that "honeymoon" phase, but when that settles, it's the simple contentment of each other that makes us work! I'm a very outgoing, high strung, big personality kind of girl, and Kelly is more private and laid back, but our opposites attract on so many levels.”

“Married 4 years...but can't wait for 40.”

“Married 25 years....Being able to be yourself...open and honest..trust that person to listen when you need a shoulder to lean on..a person to listen when you need to vent and know they will give honest feedback...someone who can make you laugh and it feel easy and comfortable to be around...they know the real you.”

“Going on five years and we simply refuse to be hurtful to one another no matter how upsetting a situation may be at the moment. That means we trust and respect each other always”

“I'm not married but my mom and dad are and from what I've seen with them is that the main key is the friendship they have between them. People don't realize but when you’re married to someone that someone becomes a part of you and what better person than your best friend.... That's how my parents are”

“I think the generosity of each partner toward each other in all things such as love, affection, forgiveness, understanding, and compassion”

“29 years Love and trust is definitely two very important points to having a good marriage. I also believe knowing that each other has to have his or her own space/time. Meaning that you don't have to be with the spouse 24/7 everyday of the week all the time. That its okay for each of them to have a friend or buddy to go shopping with or fishing/hunting with.”

“The key to a happy marriage is: God first, then spouse, then family and friends. Tom and I will celebrate 24 years of marriage August 1st. We got married the day I turned 19. We have always loved each other and been the others biggest supporter in every endeavor over the years. Whether it be me going to college or him building a business. Divorce was never an option when times were hard. We made a union and covenant before God until death do us part and we both honor that!!! We have had times throughout our marriage where times were difficult, but we both came from divorced families and knew the grass was not greener on the other side! Going through divorce as the child made our marriage better because we knew what we didn't want in our relationship. We have always maintained open communication, time alone with each other and we are firm believers in date nights. We have raised beautiful children and we are the happiest we have been:-) Btw....we are renewing our vows July 14 (after a year long class we just completed through our church.) Good luck on your paper!!!”

“Simple. Separate checking accounts. Working great for me! 7 years and I haven't killed him yet!”

“Darin, I've been married for 23 years. The key for Kim and I is always being able to talk and LISTEN to each other. She makes me a better person. Being able to give when you don't want to and doing for your spouse first are what has worked for us. Also, humor and patience.”

“19 year marriage, widowed....Mutual respect and love. Realize this will be work, but it will be worth it. Don't allow the "disposable society" attitude to creep into your marriage. It's not something to throw away and get a new one....Remember the grass is greener on the other side cause there is more manure.

Communication and openness. Don't sweat the small stuff. (Is it worth a huge fight over say picking up a pair of socks? My classic story is that I always wished I could come home to a bed that was made. Don typically got up later than I did and left the bed a mess. Now my bed is made every morning as I crawl out. Guess what? I would give anything to come home to a bed messed up by him. Got the idea?)

Treat each other as you would if you knew it was your last day together cause it could be.

Flirt!!! Work as hard at doing the things to catch the person to keep the person! If you were thin and fit, keep at it. If you put your makeup on every morning, then do it. Don't go out the door each day dressed to the nines and always look the slob for your significant other. Show them they are important. Shower guys, shave your legs gals. Instead of eyeing some new hottie, gal or guy, look through the eyes of love at your partner and give them the "eye". If you bought flowers, buy flowers or if finances are tight, pick a wildflower bouquet. If you made a favorite dessert or dinner, then make it and add candles, etc. to let them know they are as important as when you met.

Remember the quality that drives you nuts is probably the same one that attracted you. If you were exactly alike, there would be not growth. Usually we are drawn to opposites in some respects. Spenders marry savers, etc. Otherwise, the spenders would always be bankrupt and the savers would never turn loose enough to have fun.

Enjoy common interests. Be willing to share their interest and be willing to share yours with them. You hate bluegrass? Find the one bluegrass song you can tolerate and build from there. You hate fishing? Go along, take a book and enjoy the peace and quiet. You hate Nascar? Look at it as an opportunity to learn about something you don't know anything about. This doesn't mean you can't be apart, but the more you show interest the closer you grow.

Just a few of my thoughts....See my daughter is engaged so I've been meaning to jot these down and add to them. You just pushed me to not procrastinate. Good luck on the paper. I might be interested for my children as they start the grand journey of marriage.”

I Can Explain...

I've decided to give blogging a shot. I enjoy writing so much and, perhaps, may write a book someday, but I worry that my dubiously brief attention span will never allow. I've written thousands of words on Facebook and I am told by friends that they enjoy to read my attempts at prose. I would like to attempt something a bit more structured and make a concerted attempt to develop an audience. My political views make me hard to categorize, so anyone who is rigidly planted in a particular ideology may find me confounding. The same can be said about my opinions on art, music, and any number of topics. I like to think that I'm an actual free thinker. Please tune in. Your feedback is coveted.

DS